Friday, June 12, 2009

Is this a mid-life crisis?

Side note: If it is a mid life crisis, does that mean I'm mid life - at best - and I only have 33 years left?

My mid life crisis isn't manifesting itself as a shiny new convertible (that's just men that do that anyway, right?), or a new boy toy or anything quite as cliche as that. I'm only embracing one classic symptom of the standard mid life crisis:

What the fuck am I doing at this job?

I don't hate my job. I kind of like some of the stuff I do. I don't hate my co-workers or boss and I'm not stressed and miserable here. I'm My workload is minimal, and I do a lot besides work most days. I actually have many responsibilities, I'm just that good at what I do. I'm fast, efficient and thorough. Everywhere I've worked the job has turned into much more than I was hired for, and each time I leave somewhere, boredom is one of the reasons I leave. Then it starts all over with the next company. A lateral move to a different company isn't going to help.

I'm bored. I'm uninspired and I want to do something worthwhile.

I want to spend more time with Sabrina. I miss her. I also want her to see mommy working at something she enjoys instead of something she has to do. I don't want to set that example for her. I realize it's not that dramatic, I mean it's not like I'm stripping and saying "Mommy has to support us!" or anything to that effect, but I'd rather her see me doing something I'm at least interested in, or at best, passionate about it.

I want to be able to be flexible. I don't want where Sabrina ends up going to preschool or kindergarten be based on if I can get there to pick her up after school. "Sorry hon, can't go to that school. Mommy works 30 minutes from it and can't pick you up. So you can go to the really shitty school that is closer to her work."

I know this is the life many, if not most, of us have to live. We need our paychecks, and I certainly need mine. More so, we need the health benefits my job provides. I can't get individual coverage and the minimal benefits offered through Chris' employer are expensive and suck ass to boot.

Break for a totally unrelated picture because this is getting wordy and thus probably boring:

All my life I've gone back and forth on this. I don't make the change because it will cost money to take the extra classes I'll need. Or I can't go to school and work at the same time, and I need to work. Or I don't have the experience so I'd have to start at the bottom and the bottom doesn't pay enough to even buy groceries.

Or, most often, it's scary. It's scary to put myself out there in a field where I have no professional experience. It's especially scary when that field is creative. I know I'm good at what I do now. I want to be good at what I want to do. I don't know if I will be. I like to be good at things. It helps my self esteem. Especially on days like today when I discover those god damn two pounds I've lost and gained off and on since having Sabrina came back. (That's another vent altogether).

We spent a long time putting a lot on hold to have Sabrina. It took a lot to conceive her. A lot of time, a lot of money and a lot of our energy went towards that. I could never consider a career change during that time period. The only priority was starting our family.

Now she's here. And she's fucking fabulous. And it's time for me to stop making excuses and give it a shot.

I always wanted to write. In high school, I wanted to be freelance magazine article writer. Why didn't I pursue it? Because I was wary of not having a steady income and I wasn't sure if I had the talent. I took the safe route instead.

Blogging actually brought me back to my love of writing. Not because I see this as a platform for my writing, but because it got me back to reading different voices and loving the writing I was reading. Other blogs inspire me to write and to be a better writer.

I found a writing profession that is perfect for me, combining my love of writing with my really nerdy, analytical self: a technical writer. I think I'd love it. I'd especially love it if I got into the sub-discipline of medical writing, Good Gawd that would be the best of both worlds. My obsession with all things medical happily combined with my love of writing.

So I'm going for it. I found a graduate certificate program through a university that is online so it's something I can do at work at home after Sabrina goes to bed and it's something I can do one class at a time. It's also affordable which was not the common denominator with any other program I researched.

My goal is to finish the certificate, do some freelance work on the side while I'm in school, and hopefully be able to call myself a technical writer by next summer.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.


janessa said...

Good luck. But you don't need it. You'll be able to swing the certificate and go for it with ease... why? because you *want* it. If you want it bad enough, the effort it will take will seem minimal.

Good for you. You're gonna rock it.

Brakes and Gas said...

So cool! First off, you are a great writer! Secondly, I love the courage it takes to make such a big change. You are going to be fabulously successful!

Aunt Becky said...

I find I have to do things for myself in order to not feel suffocated by my life. It isn't that I don't love what I do: I do, but I need to be me as well.

Kelly said...

Awesome! I'm so glad you're doing this. You will kick ass as a techincal writer! Congrats on taking the leap!

The GVZ's said...

I stumbled across your blog and enjoy it immensely. I appreciate your wit and creative use of the world fuck. Any way you can turn it into more than just a personal blog, ie--have advertisers pay you for what you are already doing? There are blogs out there nowhere near as interesting that pull in tens of thousands a month in ad revenue.

Missy said...

Wow! Sorry you are wrestling with this! I think it is a phase all working mothers go through! You need no luck, you will do great with any job you tackle!
I suggest having an affair to rid yourself of these blues! LOL

Ava said...

Right on! I made a drastic career change a few years back and SO glad I did. Waking up to loving (or at least enjoying) what you do is so important.
Good luck! It's a hard, scary... but awesome thing you did!

A said...

Wow, that's fantastic - Not the bored with job part, I mean the cert program :)
GL and I hope it leads you to a more fulfilling career!

Sally's World said...

this is a great post, taking the leap is right, but hard, but i don't think you'll ever look back, good luck!!!

Erin said...

I totally wish you luck! I think that's awesome and I can see you being very successful, because I love your writing and get giddy when I see a new blog post up! I give you props for pursueing your dreams. It's balls I wish I had...