Monday, December 21, 2009

A quick memo to all parents that may come to our house anytime ever in the future:

Dear guest,

We're so happy to host you and give you free food, booze and shelter. We turn up the heater to ensure you're comfortable, even though I am really anal about our gas & electric bill. We do this for you. Our guest. We also meticulously plan a menu to ensure we don't violate any food allergies, and try our very hardest to accommodate your personal preferences for food. Even if it's not something we love, if you do, we'll probably make it for you. We want you to feel special and have a lovely time.

But please? do not expect us to childproof our home for your kid that you can't control.

Do not expect us to stick 6 inches of padding to every surface just in case your kid wobbles over and might bump his or her head.

Do not expect us to put electrical covering on each of our outlets, because you know what? The little fuckers don't fit and they fall out, so then we actually have a choking hazard which I personally think is a bigger risk than an "exposed" outlet? Why? Because my daughter is not walking around with a butter knife in her and frankly, neither should yours. Since electricity doesn't shoot straight out of the outlet if you wave your hand near it, I do think your child will be fine, so please stop complaining that you see outlets. If your kid can stick his or her finger inside the outlet, they must have freakishly small fingers and that should be a bigger concern of yours.

Do not expect us to turn off the television because you don't want your kid exposed to the evils of Sprout TV. Honestly, be happy we have Sprout on and not what we'd typically watch. I'm a big fan of the Real Housewives of any city. Be happy it's the Wiggles and not the Whores. Did you notice the enormous television mounted above the fireplace when you walked in? It's hard not to notice it. There's a reason for that. We like television. A lot.

Do not expect us to have a naked tree. We have a real tree, with ornaments on the bottom branches. Yes, the crawlers and toddlers can totally reach them. OHMYGOD. And no, the tree has not been secured to the wall. I don't want holes in my wall.

Look, we may have a kid but we didn't child proof our house. We have cabinet locks because the previous owners installed them (and hey, thanks previous owners because those things are a bitch to install!). Instead, we decided to use this thing call discipline. We expect you to use that as well while in our house. If you don't/can't/won't watch your kid and keep them away from shit that they shouldn't touch, don't come over. Please.

Thanks so much and Happy Holidays!

The Assholes without a Child Proofed House


Faith, the Authoress said...

Two thumbs up.

Brakes and Gas said...

Dear Assholes,

I am inviting myself over to watch real houswives and drink beer (I like Hefwiezen, thanks.) I will be bringing my baby but leaving my butter knives at home, as I understand you have a naked-outlet household. (Kinky!) We have no food allergies and when Weezy eats an occasional pineneedle, we consider it part of her daily fiber intake. We will however be rearraning your knick-knacks (and possibly your tablescapes) because you KNOW how we love people who do that!
See you soon (we may not call ahead)!
B, G, & the Weez

janessa said...

Perfect! Do I have your permission to copy it and send it off to my friends and family? Because I want to.

Sabreena said...

I will also be needing to borrow and send this letter for New Years Eve. Like you, I also hate those shitty outlet covers as I break my nails EVERY damn time I need to plug something in (like once a month when I have to finally vacuum). My kids couldn't care less about the stupid outlets and have never touched one so maybe we could swing by since they won't be a concern. Especially because they have all of those pretty ornaments to play with.

Missy said...

I LOVE this!

minivan soapbox said...

I'm coming with Brakes and Gas...I'll even bring my own beer. While I'm there I'm going to give my 5 year old a butter knife and TELL her to stick it in every frickin outlet you have...Just so we can see if her hair sticks up...Just cause, you know, it's fun.

Heather said...

LoL...I think this may be the funniest blog post I have ever read.