You know what really fucks with your head? Near death experiences.
I swear I'm not being dramatic when I tell you I came *thisclose* to being in a horrific car accident yesterday, and had it not been miraculously avoided, there is no way both Lucky and I would have survived. (I do feel the need to explain this would have been in no way my fault, it was entirely the fault of the bitch who pulled out right in front of me forcing me into on coming traffic on the highway, and it was my superior driving skills with I'm sure the help of my gramma and papa that I made it back into my lane without touching another car.).
I've been in an accident before. Years ago I hit a car (this one was admittedly all my fault) on the freeway, spun out, ended up going the wrong direction and almost hit a truck head on and even that accident wasn't as scary as this almost-accident. This almost-accident was the first time I truly thought this was the end.
I'm totally messed up now. I think I might need therapy.
I couldn't help thinking all last night about how different the evening would have been had things were different. Then I couldn't help thinking about how my daughter would never really know who I was. We don't have nearly enough pictures of us with her. Or us together. Just her. The videos we take are only her. You don't see the interaction between us and Sabrina, or even see my face and hear my voice since I'm usually the one recording things. She'd be able to hear my voice on some old videos, but I'm mostly saying, "Good job!" or something lame like that.
Then I realized she'd never know the little things that mean so much to me. She wouldn't know that I sing "Hush Little Baby" to her all the time, but I don't know the words so I made up a few verses that (kind of) rhymed. She wouldn't know that she smiles at me when I start singing and giggles when I get to the final verse I added where I sing, "I love you Sabrina, I love you my baby girl, you are everything to me." And that when I sing the "everything to me" part since becoming pregnant with Lucky, I kind of whisper it because I don't want him to feel left out or that he isn't everything, too. And I wonder what song will be his because frankly, I don't know many.
She wouldn't know that we eat breakfast together each morning before I leave for work, sitting side by side both having toast and milk. And that we hold hands most mornings and just sit there and eat.
She wouldn't know about our dance sessions, and how we've perfected a couple lifts thanks to our watching Dancing with the Stars.
Sure, Chris could tell her a lot of it, but by the time she'd understand and remember I'd have been long gone. It just wouldn't be the same. Thinking about all of that made me so inherently sad I can't seem to get past it. I used to dwell on death. But it was always illness, not something particularly sudden. I got help obsessing about illness and death but I might need something to cope with my new fear.
Also? I think I might buy a Hummer.