Monday, May 10, 2010

I still don't like Mother's Day.

I'm still very much an infertile on Mother's Day.

I don't care for Hallmark holidays. We don't celebrate Valentine's Day, because what's the point? A day to let my husband know I love him? Isn't that (supposed to be) every day? Mother's Day is no different to me. Or Father's Day.

But I have an especially bad taste in my mouth about Mother's Day.

Much to my own mother's displeasure, I'm sure. I have a great mom. I don't have complaints there. But the fact that I hate Hallmark holidays and the fact that this one is so painful for so many women, makes me cringe. And I don't like cringing.

I spent a couple Mother's Day wanting so badly to be a mom but it wouldn't happen. Or it had happened, and we lost it. Since I don't really care about the "holiday", it wasn't often overly emotional for me. But I was surrounded and embraced by a community of women who were wearing the same shoes as I, and their pain was absolutely unbearable. From the women who attended church service that morning only to have to remain seated as the pastor asks all mothers to stand for recognition, or the devout Catholic struggling with whether or not to proceed with infertility treatments as the Pope decides it's a good day to reinforce the church's stance on infertility treatments and denounce any child born as a result of those treatments, to the woman who mourns their lost child while people wish a Happy Mother's Day to those with live children only, to the woman who keeps their struggles silent only to be ignored on a day that would mean the world to her - for so many women, it's a painful day. A day so painful that I just can't get on board with celebrating it.

It's extremely difficult for me to hear women complain that they didn't get a big gift, or breakfast in bed, or be pampered in some way, especially for women where this has all come so easily - it's hard to not look at them and internally accuse them of taking all of it for granted. I get that for some, this is simply a day of acknowledgement. I don't really share that sentiment. I don't need acknowledgement for being Sabrina's mom. I wanted to be her mom. I love being her mom. I don't need special acknowledgement for wiping her ass, on one particular day of the year. Hopefully we all are acknowledged in some little way here or there throughout the year. If not, does getting breakfast in bed and a card on the second Sunday in May make up for the rest of the year? It shouldn't.

7 comments:

saundra said...

Agree with you 100%

minivan soapbox said...

Haven't celebrate Valentine's Day in...Forever. It's nice there is someone else out there that let's these holidays "slide" by...I mean, I let my daughter make a big deal of it b/c SHE wanted to...She asked what I wanted....I now have a picture of a 5 year old cleaning a toilet.

MM said...

So well said!!! We had my family and my husband's family over to our house yesterday. My two nieces were there bringing us all joy like they normally do. My 5 year old niece was playing with my husband, having a blast as they usually do. My in laws sat there and watched their son play with my niece and I couldn't help but think "I wonder if they are sad they don't have a grandchild yet." My own guilt about not being a mother yet struck me hard and I was so glad that no one asked "when are you guys having kids" because I would have thrown my bottle of Clomid at them and cried.

I got my mom and sister a card. My husband said that hosting a bbq was gift enough and he is right. Time with family is more than any material gift. Gifts are over rating and thinking you deserve them because the calendar says so is silly.

Nanny said...

We don't celebrate stuff like this either. We don't see the point. Great post.

April K. said...

I totally agree with you. I have been one of virtually each of those moms that you listed (as it sounds like many of us have) and I hate the actual "holiday" part of it too. So much so that I ALWAYS sign up to work on Mother's day just so that I don't have to be around all the craziness.

The GVZ's said...

While I definitely think that the made up holidays are silly (and believe me, I can't even imagine the pain of someone who wants to be a mother and isn't able to), I don't necessarily agree with the sentiment those who didn't struggle with infertility take motherhood for granted in any way. It was not a struggle for me to conceive (although if it makes you feel better I did have a shitacular pregnancy and horrendous delivery), but I appreciate what I have every second of every day. I don't really think motherhood comes that easily for anyone, even if it may seem that way sometimes.

GoodsonFL@aol.com said...

I get it, completely. Nine Mother's Days later we got to celebrate and it didn't feel right. I knew the pain the day caused all too well. I celebrate several times a day that I was able to be a mom. I also wonder what I got myself into a few times as well, cause it is hard. :) But life is so much better than it was, and I a grateful.