Thursday, July 29, 2010

What were we thinking??

The other day it hit me. Sabrina and I have a routine when we get home in the afternoon. I pick her up from daycare, we go home, I get her water, milk or juice (whatever she wants that day) and an Animal cracker (judge away, people. Juice and a cookie! She's not even two! OHMYGOD...hold on, it gets better.)

Then, after I change into my play clothes ala Mister Rogers, we sit and watch a show On Demand (Yes, juice, cookie AND television!!). My preference is for The Berenstein Bears, as their voices don't irritate the fuck out of me and there is a lesson learned in each important episode. Sabrina's preference is for that little shit Cailou, who I want to strangle. I can't stand his whiny voice and think he's a total brat, but it's one of the very few words Sabrina uses so I cave and watch Cailou most of the time.

She used to lay on my lap and cuddle, but since I'm currently large and in charge she sits next to me and we cuddle as we watch the show. I kiss her a zillion times because I'm somewhat obsessed with her. Chris gets home, one of us gets dinner on the table, one of us usually goes outside to play with Sabrina for a bit, we eat, bath and bed and goodnight. The end.

It's quite lovely.

The other day I realized that is all going to change. Yes, I know. Where have I been this entire pregnancy? Um, I've been really freaking busy. I'm totally not prepared for his arrival, let alone had time to sit quietly with my thoughts and wonder how we're going to juggle two, or more importantly, how much this is going to affect Sabrina.

Clearly our routine after "school" will have to change. If his schedule is anything like Sabrina's, I'll need to feed him as soon as we get home. I won't be able to sit there and maul her for 30 minutes because I won't have a spare hand.

It makes me unreasonably sad.

Maybe it's because we both work, maybe it's just because we're obsessed with her, but seriously one of us is attached to her when we are home. She doesn't play independently much and that's probably because we're like a shadow at best, a stalker at worst. However she won't have a choice soon enough. I feel like we're cheating her, even though I know that's not totally rational and that in the long run a sibling is a gift (well, can be if you don't get a dud)...but in the short term, I think it will be hard for her. And then really hard for me. Because I don't particularly love the newborn stage and I know I'll be overly concerned with her well being (even though she will be fine) because it takes me a bit to bond with the newbies. Don't be alarmed, Chris bonds immediately. It all works out in the end. And look how obsessed I get later. Just in the beginning, it takes a bit. Or at least it did with Sabrina.

Then I start thinking about how are we won't be able to go to swimming or how going to gymnastics will be hard or how am I going to take care of both of them when I only have two hands but have a daughter that wants to jump, jump, jump (which means mommy flings her up in the hair, unfortunately she seems a tad lazy on the jumping)??

How do you balance two without one of them not getting everything they need? You can't, can you? What were we thinking??


Faith, the Authoress said...

I think your insanely awesome sense of humor is going to get you through it. That, and the occasional (:: cough :: daily) glass of wine.

minivan soapbox said...

You'll find a new schedule eventually that works for ALL of you - and you'll be great. I know it.

Lauren said...

I completely understand this. I have 2 boys, 17 months apart and that was the hardest time of my life getting them to the age where they were basically like twins, both eating and sleeping at the same time. Then, 4 years later we go and have another one and he was born at the end of May when school let out so all summer we have been stuck inside at home because mommy has a new baby to take care of. We hardly play together and my 2nd childs last summer at home has been a blur. I know that It'll get easier for me but in the "heat of the moment" it is so hard. You'll get through it just like I am. Soon, you'll wonder how you ever lived without him :)

April K. said...

I totally get where you're coming from and I feel for you! But, things will be OK. Feed the baby while you watch Cayou (who, personally, I am also annoyed to no end by but assume that, if his baldness is any indication, he must have some sort of horrific illness which will soon be killing him off) with her. Snuggle in bed with the baby in the morning and look at books, etc. Granted, it's not perfect and I know how overwhelming it all feels right now but I'll bet that she'll wind up being a great helper, too AND she's built in entertainment for the baby. Deep breathe... :)

GingerB said...

When I was preggers with #2, this would actually make me cry while holding #1, and especially when putting her to sleep, which I did with cuddling until she was asleep, because, like you, I wanted to even if the parentng experts say not to. I worried endlessly that Claire would not feel enough love, or get enough attention. I think you are totally normal. I mostly had a second baby because I was so amazed by my love and enjoyment of the first that I selfishly wanted to have another human being I could love so much. I also thought Claire would enjoy a little sib, especially if she got a sister, so they could have someone to rely on later in life and someone to complain to that they had a crazy mom. Then my second child had a variety of special needs, and it kicks my ass, but I work to make sure that the elder child is not ignored in the hubub of therapy for her little sister, and you know? She seems absolutely fine. And when they are bigger, and they enjoy each other, you will be quite pleased with yourself. When my little girls share a laugh together, or a secret unspoken joke, it completely fills me with joy, and all of it is so worth it. We are tired, but it is worth it, and watching them develop a relationship is one of the greatest joys of my life. Really, you are in for a treat, it just takes a while to get there.

Katie Kolich said...

Oh my gosh...I totally get it! My kiddos are 14 months apart and I felt the exact same way. It was last November we had Baby R and a year before her we had Baby H. Baby H was our world and I was scared to death for what was going to happen once we brought R home. Turns out, you survive anyway you can! Sure it will be overwhelming and you will be pulled 12 different ways, but you do whatever it takes to get you through the day! Plus... take all the help you can get...seriously. I remember living at my mom and dads house once my husband went back to work because I was scared to stay home w/ both babies by myself!! In the end, you just do what it takes to keep you sane!!! and soon enough, you'll be looking back smiling on how you survived!!!! Good luck and hang in there!!!